Geek Cuisine — Making a Bologna Sandwich

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How hard can it be?

Well it can be a real pain in the tookus.

Today during my telecommute day, it was approaching 1:30pm and the hunger monster showed up.  I didn’t want to spend much time preparing something.  I thought “Hmmm, a Bologna Sandwich and Chips would be easy”.  I was soooo wrong.

Normally you grab two pieces of bread, slap the bologna in between, then add your condiments of choice and chow down.

Well I’ve not been here for almost two weeks.  Even though I was in town Saturday and Sunday, we didn’t eat anything at home and I had no idea when the Mrs. had last bought bread.   I find a loaf of wheat bread in the pantry and pull it out.  It felt reasonably soft but I noticed a huge tear in the side of the plastic sleeve.  Some very adult words slipped from my mouth before I noticed that this loaf was one of the double bagged brands (which normally offends my lazyness).  I went to take off the tie and noticed it wasn’t on very good.  My concern level grew somewhat.  Then I get it open and the inner sleeve is open at the top.  My concern level grew considerably and a few more bombs flew.

I pulled out two slices and check for growing green mold.  Now with a whole grain wheat bread, you really can’t tell by smell and with some of the fiberish texture, spotting mold is rather hard.  But it looked safe and was still pretty soft, so I’m assuming that the tear in the outer sleeve must have been pinched off from the opening in the inner sleeve keeping air out.  But to be safe, I grabbed a 1 gallon zip lock bag, put the remaining loaf into the the ziplock, squeezed as much air out as possible and put it back in the pantry.  Now its triple bagged.

Then to the fridge.  We had some bologna before I left for Tacoma so there should be a container in the fridge.  After searching under and behind just about everything in there and a few vulgarities later, I was about ready to give up.  I checked the freezer and I found a new package but I could play hockey with it.

So it was microwave time.

Now if you’ve ever tried to microwave bologna you know two things.  First, it heats up outside first, much like the umbrellas you get when you fry it and don’t cut it.  There is no microwave setting that will get the center (even on the top pieces) defrosted before the outer edges start cooking.  This is evidence that Microwaves don’t cook from the inside out.

The second issue is the packaging is not microwave safe.  On top of it, trying to pull the yellow lid off of the frozen container stretches the lid in such away that it won’t re-seal against the now melted plastic container.   I got my slices off the top, tried for a couple of minutes to get the lid to seal so I grabbed another 1 gallon ziplock back, squeezed out the air, and sealed the bologna up and put it back in the fridge.

I wanted to add cheese to the sandwich.  Get back into the fridge and see that a block of cheddar was in a 1 gallon zip lock from before I left for the Pacific NW.  We had a new block that we bought for the Superbowl but didn’t use (we ended up at a story and bought a block for the party anyway) so I had new cheese.  I tossed the old cheese, got out the new one and the plastic ripped as I was opening it.  To compound matters, I couldn’t find my cheese slicer, so I used a serrated steak knife to slice off some for my sandwich (which is an exercise in futility anyway).  But now I had two half blocks and a torn bag.  So I grabbed the 1 gallon zip lock bag that the old cheese came out of, replaced it with the new cheese, squeezed out the air, zipped it up and put it back in the fridge.

The chips bag was new and thankfully it opened with no difficulties.  Finally I had a sandwich, probably some 7-8 minutes after it should have been done.  It was a rather frustrating process.

But oh was it tasty and I hope its not from some undetected mold on the bread.

One Response to “Geek Cuisine — Making a Bologna Sandwich”

  1. 9to5to9

    Next time, call a delivery place! That’s way too much work and trauma for a bologna sandwich.

    Though I don’t do bologna – that’s one of the many reasons my hillbilly citizenship has been revoked – I know exactly what you mean about outside-in microwaving. My kids are big lunch meat fans – turkey and roast beef – and many times I’ve been caught without anything thawed and failed miserably at my attempts to defrost without recooking. And that melty plastic is kind of scary, too. Heaven knows what chemicals that process is releasing.

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